


Recorder, Revolver

by lizardhair



Category: Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Ableism, Canon-Typical Violence, Dubious Morality, Humor, LGBT+ Original Characters, Mentions of drugs, Multi, Not Beta Read, Original Character(s), Other, Post-Canon, Unreliable Narrator, mentions of mental health issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2018-10-22 09:23:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10694109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardhair/pseuds/lizardhair
Summary: "This I swear, my esteemed readers: in one month’s time, my interview with Slade will be published exclusively by 'Jump City Uncensored', or I’ll eat my press pass…”One intrepid reporter's journey to interview the Teen Titans' most notorious enemy. Wish him luck, because he's going to need it.





	1. Chapter 1

Excerpt from Ian Murphy’s latest article for  _ Jump City Uncensored _ , a well-known (and despised) gossip magazine:

 

_ “...and as  _ fascinating  _ as the Teen Titans may be, this reporter is more interested in their adversary. Yes, that’s right: we’re talking about the man known only as Slade.  _

_ He’s haunted and terrified Jump City ever since he was first sighted two years ago, yet very little is known about the man behind the mask. Surely, Slade is the Titans’ greatest enemy, but there is  _ undoubtedly  _ more to this elusive villain than meets the eye. Jump City clamors to know: Who is Slade? _

_ And Jump City  _ will  _ know. At least, those among her citizens who read  _ Jump City Uncensored _ will know.  _

_ This I  _ swear _ , my esteemed readers: in one month’s time, my interview with Slade will be published exclusively by _ Jump City Uncensored _ , or I’ll eat my press pass…” _

  
  


***

  
  


“I’m such a fucking  _ idiot _ ,” said Ian Murphy as he yanked at handfuls of his copper hair. “How in the hell am I even supposed to track Slade down, much less get an  _ interview _ with the guy?” He flopped down on his unmade bed with a groan. “Fuck my life.”

He went to turn on the bedside lamp, then remembered the bulb had burnt out a week ago.

“And I don’t exactly have the spare cash to be buying shit like lightbulbs,” Ian said. He grabbed his pillow and smashed it into his face, feeling like an overdramatic teenager as he did so. Ian had never wanted to punch his past self more, but he settled for a quiet scream into the pillow instead. “What the fuck am I gonna  _ do? _ ”

A moment later, Ian nearly fell out his bed when a series of several bangs echoed throughout his apartment. His downstairs neighbor had evidently taken to the broomstick again and was beating his ceiling with it.

“Oh. My.  _ God _ ,” said Ian, rolling out of bed. “Damn you, old man.” He walked into his kitchen and found the spot on his floor the banging was coming from. He laid down on the tiles and yelled down, “That’s only hurting your own ceiling, you numbskull!”

The banging stopped. Ian sighed happily and pressed his forehead into the cool floor. Not even a second later, he howled in agony as his neighbor slammed the broom into the exact place his head was resting. Ian flipped onto his back and cradled his head. 

“That’ll teach you not to scream at one in the morning!” Ian’s neighbor called up, his voice raspy with old age.

Ian chose not to respond as he lay on his back.  _ I probably deserve this, _ he thought, shaking his head.  _ It’s what I get for being so goddamn stupid. _

Eventually, Ian pushed himself into a sitting position and drew his knees up to his chest. He stared sadly at his oven. “My life is over if I don’t get this fucking interview,” he whispered to the darkness of his kitchen. When no answer magically appeared out of the night, Ian laid back down on the kitchen floor and went to sleep. .

  
  


***

  
  


It was the morning sun’s piercing light that awoke Ian from his rest. He did not want to get up, did not want to shower, and certainly did not want to be a productive human being. He just wanted to lay on his floor and possibly fall into a six-month coma.

“Oh, Sleeping Beauty, I’m so jealous,” Ian said. “You get to sleep, you get to be beautiful, and you get to be awakened by the kiss of a handsome prince.” He yawned and rubbed his bleary eyes. “And you’re royalty, which means you don’t have to work a day in your life if you don’t want to.” 

Ian got to his feet. “Speaking of work,” he said. “I guess I’ll head to the office today. Talk to someone that isn’t myself. That’ll be nice.”

After a quick shower and change of clothes, Ian was in his car and en route to the office of the  _ Jump City Uncensored. _ He took a sip of coffee from his dented travel mug and tried to think.

_ If I were a villain, how would someone get in contact with me? _ The logical answer was the dark web, but Ian didn’t want to mess with that shit until he was really, truly, utterly desperate.  _ So, other options. _ Ian sighed. “It’s useless. I’m too damn stressed to think.” He pulled into the office’s lot and felt himself smile, just a bit.  _ Maybe Ji Yu is in today. _

To Ian’s surprise, Ji Yu was waiting for him just inside the office’s front entrance. She smirked at Ian’s confused expression as he quickly crossed the distance between them.

“Hey, buddy,” Ji Yu said, still grinning. “How you doing?”

“Godawful,” said Ian. “How are you? And how did you know I’d be here?”

The two headed towards the elevator together; both of their desks were on the third floor, and neither of them were inclined to take the stairs this morning.

“I’m great! Running on energy drinks, but other than the fact that I’m beginning to see double, I’m really great,” said Ji Yu.

“Did...did you go home last night?” Ian said as the duo stepped into the elevator.

“Nope! I’m working on that piece about whether or not Starfire and Aqualad are dating, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” Ian said as the doors closed. “Are they?”

“Nah,” said Ji Yu. “I think Aqualad is interested in Speedy, but that’s an article for a different day. For now, I’m writing that Starfire and Aqualad are  _ totally _ crushing on one another.”

“Oh. Cool,” said Ian as the doors opened on the third floor. He cleared his throat and stepped out of the elevator. “Listen, Ji Yu, I need your help. Like,  _ really  _ need you help.”

“With the interview thing? Yeah, that’s how I knew you’d be here today. I figured you’d need some kind of help, so here I am. And here you are!” Ji Yu hopped out after Ian and gestured him over to her desk. “Let’s talk.”

Ian felt some of the tension ebb out of his body. “I owe you one. Hell, I probably owe you everything.” He suddenly thought he might cry.

Ji Yu looked at Ian then, really looked at him. “Ian, it’s not a big deal, my helping you. Don’t worry about it, man.”

“But you’re already so busy…”

“ _ Ian. _ Listen to me. You can owe me one, that’s only fair. But I’m not so busy that I can’t help my best friend. So just try to relax, okay?” Ji Yu placed a hand on Ian’s bony shoulder. “Just breathe.”

While Ji Yu sat on her desk, Ian collapsed into her chair. Ian ran a hand through his hair and smiled up at Ji Yu.

“Thank you. So much. I really do owe you one.”

She waved him off good-naturedly. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s get brainstorming, shall we?”

Ian nodded and sat up straighter. “Okay. So my first problem is actually contacting Slade for an interview. I have no idea how to get in touch with him, or even where he is. It was last reported that he’s back in Jump, but I don’t know if that’s still true.”

“Let’s just assume that he’s still here,” said Ji Yu. She nibbled on her lower lip. “And…”

“And what?”

“And he might already know you want to talk to him.”

“How would Slade  _ possibly _ know that?” Ian said incredulously.

Ji Yu looked at Ian. “News gets around fast in Jump City. If even one villain or henchman read your article, they probably got word to Slade. Or he just overheard it somehow. The guy’s nearly omnipotent when it comes to what’s going on in Jump.”

“You...you have a point,” said Ian. It was odd to think that villains might have actually read his article. Then Ian thought of  _ Slade himself _ reading the article and Ian felt an almost pleasurable shiver run down his spine. 

“Hell yeah I do,” Ji Yu said. “The only thing you really have to do is find Slade and somehow convince him to be interviewed by you.”

Ian sighed. “You make it sound so easy. I mean, he could  _ kill _ me.”

“Anyone can kill anyone, Ian. The real question is, do you think he  _ would _ kill you?”

“I...I don’t know. There’s never been a report of Slade  _ intentionally _ killing anyone in Jump City, but who the hell knows what he does when he’s  _ not _ in Jump? Or even if all the reports are accurate?”

Now it was Ji Yu’s turn to sigh. “Yeah, that’s pretty scary. Maybe you should just back out of this, Ian. I don’t want you to end up dead over a stupid interview.”

Ian rubbed his eyes. “If I back out now, my career is over. The boss would be furious. Plus, I wrote that stupid line about eating my press pass.” He hit his own leg. “God, what have I gotten myself into?”

  
  


***

 

Ian spent the rest of his day trying to figure out what to do while reading through reports on Slade and running to get more energy drinks for Ji Yu. When he headed home at eight p.m., he was exhausted. After a dinner of coffee and leftover pizza, Ian dragged himself into the shower in an attempt to wake himself up. When he emerged, it was ten p.m. and pitch black outside. It was time to get dressed, but not in pajamas. 

Ian dug through his closet and drawers until he found a longsleeve black exercise shirt and--shudder--black cargo pants. He’d even managed to find his old grey running shoes. 

“Kinda thought I threw these out, but hey, at least they’re coming in handy,” Ian muttered to himself. As he dressed, he couldn’t help but think he had gone completely crazy.  _ Am I really doing this? _

But when he looked at himself in the mirror, he felt a sudden surge of confidence.  _ I kinda look like a superhero. All I need is a sweet mask.  _

“That reminds me,” Ian said as he walked into the kitchen. “I might not have a mask, but I do have…” He trailed off as he rifled through his kitchen drawers. “Ah ha. I do have...a taser...and a portable recorder.” He laughed half-heartedly. “My weapons of choice.”

Ian placed the taser and the recorder in his pants pockets, then hunted around for a camera. He had a little red unit that would fit nicely into another one of his pants’ many pockets. A few minutes of searching (and swearing) later, Ian had found it. Miracle of miracles, the camera was still fully charged.

“Thank god I had a belt for these pants, or else they would be on the ground,” said Ian as he added the camera to his inventory. He took a deep breath as he realized it was time to go--no backing out now. 

“I can do this,” Ian said as he walked over to his apartment’s largest window.

“I can do this,” he said as he opened the window and climbed out.

“I can do this,” he said as he dropped down onto the fire escape and began walking up the stairs to the roof.

“I can fucking do this,” Ian said as he arrived on the roof of his apartment building. 

The night was cool and the moon nearly full; Ian was glad for the extra light, but his knees still shook. He was, after all, preparing to leap off of his building’s roof and land on the neighboring roof. 

“Never thought that that parkour training would be useful in real life,” Ian said shakily. A gust of wind blew through Ian’s hair as he approached the edge of the roof and looked down. He instantly regretted his decision when he saw just how high up he really was.  _ Oh god. I’m on the roof of a seven-story building, and I’m gonna jump off of it. What the hell is wrong with me? _

But thinking back, he’d always been like this, even back in his high school journalism class. Willing to do almost anything to get a story, an interview, a leg up over the other reporters.

“Guess that’s why I ended up working for the  _ Uncensored, _ ” said Ian as he backed away from the ledge. “It’s who I’ve always been.”  _ And there’s no way I’m going to lose it all by failing to get this fucking interview. _

Now that he had enough distance to get a running start, Ian set his jaw, took a deep breath, and ran. As the edge of the roof approached, Ian knew he would be unable to stop if he chickened out. His momentum would end up carrying him off the roof and down to his death.  _ So I have to jump. I--have--to--jump! _

Ian jumped. For a moment, he felt as though he was suspended in mid-air, neither here nor there. Then he crashed down on the neighboring building’s flat roof. He tumbled, tripped, and went sprawling onto his hands and knees.

“Oh, ow ow ow,” Ian groaned. “I think I broke my everything.  _ God _ , I’m such an idiot for doing this.”  _ But I can’t give up. I mean, I already jumped off one roof. What’s twenty more? _

He pushed himself to his feet and examined his shaking hands. He had scraped them when he landed, but they weren’t bleeding.  _ Good. _

Ten minutes and five roofs later, Ian’s hands were, in fact, quite bloody.  _ Not good, _ thought Ian.  _ I should have worn gloves. And now I’m not going to be able to go as far as I wanted to. Damn. _ He sat down near the edge of the roof and took in the night around him, trying to ignore his throbbing hands. 

It was beautiful, even just these few stories closer to the stars. And with the warm glow of Jump City below him, Ian felt oddly at peace. Everything seemed so small from up here, all his worries and obligations.

“A guy could get used to this,” said Ian. He pulled his camera out of his pocket, careful not to rub his already-sensitive hands on the cloth of his pants, and turned it on. After a bit of fiddling, Ian managed to switch the camera over into low light mode. He smiled and began taking pictures of the cityscape. 

It was only when his camera let out a small, sad  _ beep _ that Ian realized the thing was almost out of battery life.

“What happened to you being fully charged, huh?” Ian said to the camera, turning it off with a sigh.  _ At least I managed to get some good pics. _ He checked his watch by the light of the moon and saw that it was only eleven p.m.

“Jesus, it feels like it’s past midnight,” Ian yawned, putting the camera back in its pocket. “Leaping off roofs really takes it out of you, I guess. How  _ do _ those superheroes do it?” In the distance, he heard the wailing of a police car and turned to look at his apartment building with its inviting lights.

“Maybe it’s time to head back,” said Ian.  _ It’s not like I can go any further with my hands in this condition, anyway. _ He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and tried to stay alert.  _ Can’t be falling asleep on strange roofs, now can we? _ The only problem was  _ how _ to get back. This building’s fire escape didn’t reach the roof, so he would have to find an alternate way to ground level. Perhaps a neighboring building had one?

A few minutes later, Ian had spotted and made the jump to an office building with an adequate fire escape. As he crept down the metal stairs, Ian couldn’t help but laugh.  _ I can’t believe I’m alive. I mean, I’ve been jumping off roofs for the past hour! I can’t wait to tell Ji Yu! _

  
  


***

  
  


“You did  _ what _ last night?!” Ji Yu screamed. She was perched on Ian’s desk with an energy drink in her hand and looked horrified.

“Shh, shh, keep it down,” Ian whispered loudly. “Please, there’s no need to alert the entire office to my late-night escapades.”

“Esc-- _ escapades?   _ Ian, you could’ve gotten seriously hurt! Don’t talk to me about  _ escapades!” _ Ji Yu took a furious gulp of her drink. “Hell’s bells, Ian, what were you thinking?”

“I just wanted to find Slade. I--”

Ji Yu cut him off. “And how did you intend to accomplish that by  _ leaping off of buildings in the middle of the night?” _

“Uh, well...Heroes and villains are always jumping around on rooftops, so I thought…maybe...”

“You thought you’d be fortunate enough to somehow run into Slade while you were up there.” Ji Yu sighed. “Ian, god…”

“I know, I know, I’m an idiot,” said Ian. “But I had to do  _ something. _ I couldn’t just spend another night sitting in my apartment thinking about my problems.”

Ji Yu sighed again and took another sip of her drink. “Yeah, but did you have to do something so  _ dangerous? _ I mean, look at your poor hands.”

Ian looked. His hands were wrapped in bandages, but they didn’t hurt all that badly anymore.

“Ji Yu, I’m fine, really. I actually had fun up there, crazy at that may sound.”

Ji Yu gave Ian a small grin. “That does sound pretty crazy. Oh, but you said you took pictures? Can I see ‘em?”

“Hell yeah you can. I haven’t actually looked at them myself, but I have a feeling they turned out pretty well,” said Ian. He popped the SD card out of his camera and slid it into his computer. With a few clicks, he had opened the folder of photos. “Go ahead and flip through.”

“Ah, wow, these  _ are _ nice,” said Ji Yu as she looked through the pictures. “I love a good citysca-- _ oh my god.” _

“What, what’s wrong?” Ian yelped. “Did I catch a ghost on film?”

Without looking away from the screen, Ji Yu said, “Just about.” She extended a tremoring finger and pointed to the top of a tall building in the upper left of the picture.

  
Ian squinted and leaned in. “What am I supposed to be seeing here? All I-- _ oh, holy shit.” _ He had finally spotted it--spotted  _ him. _


	2. Chapter 2

“No,” said Ian. “There’s no way. How in the hell--what insane amount of luck--”

“It wasn’t _luck_ , Ian,” said Ji Yu. “He _knew._ Somehow, Slade knew that you were up there. Maybe he didn’t know you were taking pictures, but…”

Ian leaned back in his chair, shaking his head vigorously from side to side. “No-no-no-no-no. This is too much. Was he _watching_ me? Does he know where I _live?_ ” Ian buried his head in his hands and groaned. “Oh, _god._ ”

“Don’t sound so terrified, Ian,” said Ji Yu as she patted him on the shoulder. “Maybe you can invite Slade over for coffee or something.” She paused and frowned. “I wonder if he drinks coffee…?”

“Gah! Forget the coffee!” Ian cried. “I didn’t want Jump City’s most notorious villain knowing where I _sleep!”_

“Well, it’s too late now. I’m pretty sure he knows.”

“M-maybe it’s not him in that picture,” Ian said desperately. “I was too far away from that building to get a clear shot. It could be someone else.”

“Like who?” Ji Yu scoffed. “Look, Ian, we’ve both seen plenty of low-res, under-exposed, and overall shitty photos of various heroes and villains. I think we both know that’s Slade standing there.”

“Oh, _god_.”

“Also, you realize this means that Slade has _probably_ read your article by now, right? I hope you didn’t say anything bad about him.”

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” moaned Ian.

“You do seem a little green,” said Ji Yu. “Please don’t throw up in my cubicle, though.”

“Ji Yu, this is _serious,_ ” Ian said. “What am I gonna _do?”_

Ji Yu took a sip of her energy drink before answering. “This might sound crazy, but I really am being serious here: invite the guy over for coffee. Or wine, I don’t care. If you want an interview, you’re going to have to communicate with him. Build up a rapport, you know?”

“I--I can’t do that! He’d kill me!” Ian pulled at his hair. “And I doubt I’ll even see him again, anyway!”

“First: you’ll see him again. You said it yourself--he knows where you live. Second: something tells me he’s not going to kill you. I’ve just got this feeling…”

“The last time you had a _feeling_ , I bet fifty bucks and lost,” said Ian unhappily.

“Dude, that was ages ago. Besides, I said I was sorry…” Ji Yu pouted.

“I guess that was a while ago,” said Ian. He sounded much calmer now. He sighed. “And I’ve got to do _something_ if I want to get that interview.”

“So you’re going to try it? Find Slade and invite him over?” Ji Yu’s eyes widened and a grin played at the corners of her mouth.

Ian laughed. “I think _he’s_ going to be the one to find _me._ ”

“Well then, when are you going to try?” Ji Yu asked.

“Tonight, I guess. No point putting it off,” said Ian with a shrug. “I just need to get some good gloves before I go roof-hopping again.”

“My girlfriend really likes this one brand, says they’re comfy and real tough, but I can’t remember the name...hold on while I text her,” said Ji Yu. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and started to type, then looked at Ian. “Do you mind if I do speech-to-text? It’s easier.”

“Go for it. And thanks.”

“No problem.” Ji Yu cleared her throat and spoke into her phone. “Hey babe, what brand are those gloves you really like? Asking for Ian, who’s...recently gotten back into parkour.” She winked at Ian as she hit send. “I’ll explain it to her while we’re on our dinner date tonight.”

“Ooh, dinner date. Where are you eating?” Ian said.

“Dunno yet, we’re thinking maybe--oh, she responded,” said Ji Yu. “She says they’re Wayne brand. Wow, I should’ve been able to remember that.” Ji Yu shook her head and yawned.

“I’m sure you would have remembered if you weren’t so exhausted,” said Ian.

“Whoa, whoa, I am not “exhausted.” I’m merely _tired,_ ” said Ji Yu. “I’ll get some sleep sometime in the near future.”

“Right,” laughed Ian. “And I’ll be drinking wine with Slade tonight.”

“Hey, it could happen,” said Ji Yu.

  
  


***

  


After a quick trip to the store, Ian drove home with his new gloves in the passenger seat. As soon as he walked into his apartment, Ian felt a wave of fatigue crash over him. _Gotta take a nap if I want to be ready for tonight._ His stomach did a flip-flop at the thought. The possibility of meeting Slade face-to-face scared him, but…

“But nothing,” said Ian. “I’m just plain old scared of the guy.” After changing the bandages on his hands, Ian headed to his bedroom, gloves in tow. He tossed them on his nightstand, then tossed himself into bed. Ian fell asleep instantly.

When Ian awoke, the clock read four p.m.--a full three hours after when he had laid down.

“Damn,” said Ian, stretching. “Guess I was more tired than I thought.” He swung his legs out of bed and felt his stomach growl. _And me with no food in the apartment. Double damn._

Walking into the kitchen, Ian decided that he couldn’t eat another pizza. _If I see one more pepperoni, they’ll have to throw me in Arkham._ So, to the grocery store it was.

Ian slipped his shoes on, grabbed his keys, wallet, phone, and a canvas bag and headed out. _The modern hunter-gatherer,_ thought Ian as he locked his door. _I really do love the city, even though my apartment’s a piece of crap. Can’t imagine me on a farm._

Such thoughts occupied him on his stroll to the corner store a few blocks away. Ian did his best not to think about Slade or the issue of the interview in general. _I just want to enjoy my walk._ And for once, he did. The late summer weather was lovely, and as Ian rounded the final corner before his destination, he saw that a few street vendors were taking advantage of the fine evening to sell their wares.

Nearest to the entrance of the store, a woman stood behind her stall with a sign proclaiming “Poison Ivy Approved Plants!” written in bright green paint. Ian smiled at the woman as he passed her, and she returned the gesture.

“Buy something on the way out, why don’t you?” said the woman with a wink reminiscent of Ji Yu.

“I’ll think about it,” Ian said. “But I kinda killed my last houseplant.”

“Maybe a cactus, then?” suggested the woman as Ian stepped into the coolness of the store.

As the doors slid shut behind him, Ian realized he had no idea what he intended to make for dinner. Then it hit him: why not have breakfast for dinner? _Pancakes are quick, easy, and oh my god they sound so good_ , Ian thought hungrily.

So it was that Ian bought two boxes of pancake mix and a plastic bottle of maple syrup. He also, after some deliberation, bought a bottle of red wine. _At least I can get drunk all by myself_ , he thought as he exited the store.

Walking past, the plant woman waved at Ian, and he made a split-second decision.

“Hi,” Ian said to the woman. “I’d like to buy that cactus you mentioned.”

“Sure thing!’ chirped the woman. “That’ll be seven dollars, please. And is any one okay with you?”

“Uh, give me the prettiest cactus you’ve got,” said Ian, digging out his wallet.

The woman laughed and slid a little green thumb of a cactus over to Ian. “Will this lil’ lady do?”

“Yeah, she’s, um, perfect,” said Ian as he handed over his money.

  


***

  


Somehow, Ian made it home with his groceries, his cactus, and his hands intact. _The bandages on my hands probably helped with the cactus_ , thought Ian. He set the cactus down on his windowsill, then unpacked his bag. Ian’s stomach rumbled at the sight of the pancake mix.

“Time to get cooking,” said Ian.

Five minutes later, Ian’s first batch of pancakes was on the griddle. He inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of whole wheat off-brand pancakes. They cooked quickly, and soon Ian had a stack of four pancakes on his plate. After smothering the stack in maple syrup, Ian sat down at his rickety table to eat. As he chewed, Ian looked out of his window, examining the nearby buildings. _I can’t believe I’m going to go back out there tonight_ , he thought. _I wonder if this how Batman felt when he first started his hero gig._ Of course, thinking about Batman led him to thinking about Slade, which was a much more stressful activity. Even though Ian had read all of the files the _Jump City Uncensored_ had on the villain, he hadn’t learned much of anything. There weren’t even any pictures of him, save for a surprisingly accurate artist’s rendition of Slade’s mask back from when he had first appeared in Jump. Now Ian knew how the police probably felt about the guy.

When Ian stood to put his plate in the sink, it was 5:30 p.m. He figured he’d lay down for a bit, make sure he was ready for a long night. Before heading to his bedroom, Ian plugged in his camera so it could recharge. _Who knows, it might come in handy again tonight._ With that done, Ian made a beeline for his bed.

He hadn’t intended to fall asleep, but when Ian woke up, it was eight p.m.

“I gotta start setting my alarm clock,” Ian yawned. “Or putting a timer on my phone--this is getting ridiculous.” _Speaking of my phone, I haven’t really checked Twitter or Instagram lately,_ Ian thought. _I’ve been kinda busy jumping off buildings and researching villains._

Ian padded out of his bedroom and found his phone next to his keys and wallet on the kitchen counter. He grabbed it, flopped down on the couch, and started scrolling. Ji Yu had posted a picture of a candlelit table set for two on Instagram, and Ian smiled. He was happy for his friend, though he had to admit seeing her with her girlfriend always made him feel lonely. _Maybe I ought to sign up for a dating website,_ Ian thought dejectedly. _I’d be a great boyfriend. I can cook pancakes, I have a cool cactus, I...I, um, I don’t have much else going for me._ Ian sighed. _Great dating profile right there. I guess I could get a dog or a cat, but given the fact that I killed my fern, I don’t think a living animal is such a great idea._

When Ian next noticed the clock on his phone, he saw that it was going on ten. _I guess it’s time._ He turned his phone off and went to get changed. A few minutes later, he was dressed in last night’s outfit--plus gloves. Feeling even more like a superhero, Ian carefully placed his cactus on the table, then hopped out of the window and onto the fire escape.

“Once more unto the breach,” Ian muttered as he mounted the stairs. He patted his pockets to make sure he had his camera, recorder, and taser; when he was satisfied that they were still there, he relaxed ever-so-slightly.

Once again he leapt off his roof, again the strange feeling of weightlessness, again the stumbling landing. But the gloves helped, and Ian felt more confidence in his ability to survive the jumps. He pushed on, and before he knew it, he was ten buildings away from his home.

“Damn,” Ian panted. “I’m getting good at this.” _But I can’t go too much farther, or else I won’t be able to make it back to the apartment--I’ll just be too tired. Slade, where are you?_

Ian flopped to the ground. “Y’know, maybe I’m just an idiot for even trying this.” He wiped sweat off of his brow and readjusted his gloves as he spoke. “I don’t think he’s up here tonight. And why _would_ he be? I’m sure he’s got better things to do than watch some dumbass journalist fumble around on rooftops.”

Ian nearly screamed when a voice other than his own echoed back across the roofs.

  
“What can I say? It’s a slow night.”


	3. Chapter 3

Ian sprang to his aching feet and spun around, heart hammering in his chest and eyes wide.

On the tall building nearest Ian there stood a lone figure in a two-tone mask. As he watched, speechless, the figure leapt off the building and landed effortlessly on Ian’s current roof.

“Oh my god,” Ian said, backing away as the figure stepped out of the shadows. “I--you--you’re Slade. Oh my fucking god.” He felt light-headed.

When Slade took a few steps towards him, Ian scuttled backwards even further. “Please don’t kill me!” he whimpered.

“Now, Mr. Murphy, why would I do something like that?” Slade said softly.

Ian shivered at the other man’s voice. It was like a dagger made of purest ice, sharp enough to pierce straight through to one’s heart. Ian felt terribly cold all of a sudden.

“W-was that a rhetorical question?” Ian managed to stutter. He was not sure he had ever been so afraid.

Slade laughed quietly, and Ian’s skin broke out in goosebumps. He was able to take only a few more steps back from the villain before he reached the edge of the roof.  _ Oh, damn _ , Ian thought.

“It seems you have nowhere left to run,” Slade said as he approached Ian. “Not that you have any need to, of course.”

There were now only five feet in between Ian and Slade. As Slade closed the distance, Ian froze, his gaze fixated on Slade’s mask and that one piercing grey eye. When Slade stopped in front of him, Ian squeezed his own eyes shut.

“L-listen, if you want to kill me, please don’t do it by throwing me off the roof. Just shoot me or something. Please.”

When Slade placed a hand on Ian’s shoulder, Ian let out a strangled gasp. “Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.” Before Ian had a chance to react further, Slade had pulled him around and thrown him to the center of the roof. Ian landed hard on his back, knocking the air out of him. When he opened his eyes, he saw stars.

“I do hope I did not injure you,” said Slade. “However, I couldn’t have you falling off the roof, now could I?” He knelt down beside Ian, who shrunk back from him. Slade tilted his head to the side as he examined Ian’s shaking form. “Are you afraid of me, Mr. Murphy?” Slade murmured.

“Y-yes,” said Ian, rather confused as to how he was still alive at this point. “I’m very afraid of you.” He tried a laugh, but it came out sounding like a dying animal.

“Why?” Slade said.

Ian gulped. “Why? B-because I wrote that article, a-and you’re a villain, and you could kill me, and you know I want to--to--”

“Interview me?” Slade said, cutting off Ian’s rambling.

“Yeah, that,” said Ian, wishing he could sink into the ground.

“Hm,” Slade said quietly, and Ian wished he could see behind his mask and know what the man was thinking.

But since he could not, Ian decided to take the plunge. “S-so speaking of that interview...do you think, maybe...you’d like to come over and have a glass of wine with me?” Ian slammed a hand over his own mouth.  _ That was not what I meant to say! _

Ian was so close to Slade that he was able to see him blink in what he hoped was surprise. Ian pressed himself into the roof as he felt Slade staring at him,  _ examining _ him.  _ Oh, I have really fucked up now, _ thought Ian. Ian peeled his hand off of his mouth. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean--”

But Slade had risen to his feet and turned away from Ian. “Mr. Murphy, I thank you for your advance, but I must turn you down. Enjoy the rest of your night.” With that, he dropped off the edge of the roof and vanished.

“Wait,” cried Ian, sitting up. “What about--the interview. Fuck.” He was alone again.

  
  
  


***

  
  


Back in his apartment, Ian tossed himself down on the couch. He buried his face in a cushion, barely resisting the impulse to scream.  _ I can’t believe that just happened. Slade was right in front of me, and I...I scared him away. Or something. God, I’m such an idiot. _ He wanted to text Ji Yu, but figured she was either sleeping or still busy with her date. Ian groaned.  _ Maybe I can just write about my rooftop encounter with Slade instead of publishing an interview. But I didn’t even get any pictures. _ Then he sat straight up as a realization hit him:  _ my recorder. I felt it turn on when I fell. _

Ian pulled the little device out of his pocket. It had stopped recording at some point, and with trembling fingers Ian pressed the “play” button. For a moment, there was only the sound of rustling fabric, and Ian licked his lips nervously. Then, the sound of Slade’s voice purred out from the recorder.

_ “Are you afraid of me, Mr. Murphy?” _

Ian slammed his finger down on the “stop” button, his chest heaving. He suddenly didn’t want to hear any more. Well, that wasn’t  _ quite _ the truth; it was more that he only wanted to hear that one line.

As soon as Ian realized what he had just thought, he blushed crimson.  _ What is wrong with me? _ He shook his head, trying to get the thoughts out, but they only multiplied.  _ His voice was so beautiful. Is he handsome under that mask? _ And then, the most damning thought of all:  _ What would it feel like to kiss him? _

“No, no, no” Ian said, jumping to his feet. “We are not doing this. You already have a crush on Batman, you are not allowed to have one on...on  _ Slade _ , of all people.” Ian was pacing now. “He is a  _ villain _ . He’s probably  _ killed _ people. He is not a nice man!” But it was to no avail. Ian was wise enough to realize now that his heart had been pounding so loudly up on the rooftop not only because he was scared of Slade, but because…

“Because I have a crush on him,” Ian said defeatedly. He sat down on the floor. “Oh, fuck me.” When Ian realized that he was still holding the recorder, he considered throwing the damn thing out the window.  _ But I can’t. I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to actually do it...I want to hear his voice. _ Ian rewound and hit “play.”

_ “Are you afraid of me, Mr. Murphy?” _

Again.

_ “Are you afraid of me, Mr. Murphy?” _

Again.

_ “Are you afraid of me, Mr. Murphy?” _

Again. Again. Again.

  
  
  


***

 

 

Ian woke up the next morning curled on the floor behind the couch, his recorder still in his hand. He rubbed his eyes and thought back on the previous night with shame.  _ How many times did I listen to that fucking recording? _ He ran his hand through his already messy hair and shook his head.  _ I’m acting like a teenager obsessed with some pop idol. _

“Fuck,” Ian sighed.  _ This happened in middle school, too, _ he suddenly remembered with a surge of even greater embarrassment.  _ I had such a crush on that straight guy in the chess club, and then that girl on the cheer team… _ Ian laughed sadly.  _ I planned out our whole lives together. Why did I have to be such a weird kid? _

Ian got to his feet and tossed the recorder next to his phone on the couch, then headed for the shower, still abashed at his past behavior.

When he emerged, it was almost eleven a.m., and Ian hoped Ji Yu was awake. Wrapped in his bathrobe, Ian sat down on his couch and dialed Ji Yu’s number. As the phone rang and rang, Ian began to suspect his friend was still catching up on her sleep. He disconnected with a yawn, wondering how he himself could still feel so tired after all the rest he had gotten lately.

Reaching under his couch, Ian pulled out his laptop and turned it on.  _ Probably shouldn’t use up all my phone’s data, after all. _ He opened a new tab in Google and typed, “Why am I so tired all the time?” Ian laughed when he realized he had actually included a question mark in his search. He stopped laughing very quickly when he saw that his search results included such things as diabetes and depression. Ian was relatively sure he didn’t have the former, but the latter…?

“Shit,” said Ian. “It would explain a lot, but that’s just about the last thing I need right now.” He wished he had someone else to talk to; he felt guilty about bothering Ji Yu all the time, but she was his only real friend. Then an idea dawned on him: why not make a profile on a dating site?  _ I considered it last night, but I might as well actually do it, _ thought Ian.  _ Maybe a few dates with random strangers would take my mind off Slade. _

Half an hour later, Ian had picked a site and had just about finished setting up his profile when his phone rang. The number looked vaguely familiar to him, and Ian decided to answer.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hi, Ian?” said the caller. 

“Uh, yes, that’s me,” Ian said, caught off-guard by both the voice’s pleasant raspiness and the question.

“Ian! Hey, it’s Vanessa, Ji Yu’s girlfriend.”

“Oh, Vanessa, hi!”  _ Vanessa. That’s her name. God, I totally forgot, _ thought Ian. “How are you? Ji Yu said you two had a dinner date yesterday.”

“I’m good, thanks!” Vanessa sounded like she was smiling. “And yeah, we did. We went to that new Italian place. Pretty good food,  _ very _ romantic atmosphere.”

“Sounds nice,” said Ian, laughing. “So, what’s up? I take it you didn’t call just to gush about the linguini.”

Now Vanessa sounded serious. “Ian, Ji Yu told me about what you’ve been doing. Jumping off roofs, trying to interview...interview  _ Slade.” _

Ian sighed. “I know, I know, it’s stupid and dangerous. But--”

“Ian, listen. I know we don’t know each other very well, but please just listen to me: what you’re doing isn’t just dangerous, it’s  _ suicidal.” _

“What?” said Ian. “What do you mean? I’m not going to fall off a building, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Vanessa laughed, but she didn’t sound too amused. “No, I think you’ll be okay on that front. Ji Yu said you took some parkour classes or something a while ago. It’s Slade I’m worried about. You and Ji Yu are both too wrapped up in your gossip articles to realize that he’s not some little story to be interviewed and explained away. He’s probably as crazy as the Joker under that mask. And nobody but Batman fucks with the Joker if they value their life. What I’m saying, Ian, is leave Slade to the superheroes. Please.” Before Ian could reply, Vanessa had hung up.

“Well, damn,” said Ian, looking at his phone. But what he saw in his mind was the surprise in Slade’s eye when Ian had accidentally invited him over for wine. How the villain had practically ran away from him and left him unharmed on the roof with no explanation as to why he was there.

“Fuck,” Ian spat. “Why can’t I just listen to Vanessa and accept that Slade’s dangerous? He’s a goddamn menace to society!”  _ But is he really like the Joker?  _ Ian’s brain whispered.  _ And, hell, even the Joker has his fans. Didn’t one of your coworkers write an article about how Batman and the Joker are secretly in love? It never got published, but still…  _

Ian yanked at his hair and swore. “Fuck my life. Fuck my stupid life.”

  
  
  


***

  
  


Half an hour later and Ian had made pancakes and was now poking around on the dating site while eating. He had somehow matched with a man whose profile picture was a shot of a headless, shirtless torso with workout equipment in the background. While Ian appreciated the eye candy, he wasn’t much interested in going on a date with the guy.  _ Probably wouldn’t like me anyway, _ thought Ian as he swallowed. He had the sudden urge to fling his plate against the wall and scream. Ian took a deep breath and the urge passed.  _ Maybe I ought to get into meditation or something, _ Ian thought as he finished the last of his pancakes.  _ Or therapy. _ He snorted when he thought through that discussion. “ _ Yes, doctor, I think I might have depression and a crush on a villain.” “Well, Mr. Murphy, I’d recommend some Prozac and sex with other people.” _

Ian closed his laptop, put his plate in the sink, and headed to his bedroom.  _ Might as well sleep the day away. _

  
He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but Ian dreamed only of Slade.


	4. Chapter 4

Ian’s sleep was fitful, and he finally decided to give up the ghost and roll out of bed at four p.m. While in the bathroom, Ian realized it was time for another shower. _A goddamn long one, at that._ _Help me clear my head._

While he washed his hair, Ian was suddenly reminded of his uncle, a lawyer, who had drank his coffee while in the shower. _That story was always a big hit at parties. I thought it was so funny as a kid, but now I’m considering doing it myself._ Ian yawned and felt his jaw crack. _Or I could drink wine in the shower...though that would be more fun with two people involved._ Of course, that made Ian think of his villain issue, and he furiously massaged his scalp as he remembered last night.

“And yet,” huffed Ian, “I’m still planning on going out there tonight. Gotta get that interview.” He said the last sentence in a high-pitched, mocking tone. His shower felt suddenly too hot, and Ian savagely twisted the dial to the coldest it could physically go. Ian hissed as the water turned icy, but he stayed put under the spray of the showerhead as he washed his body.

“F-fuck me, that’s cold,” Ian spluttered, his teeth chattering. Still, as he let the frigid water pour over him, he had to admit that there was a perverse sort of pleasure in it. _Because I can’t enjoy warm showers like a normal person, apparently,_ thought Ian a he rinsed the last of the soap off of himself.

Stepping out of the shower, Ian had to admit that his head didn’t feel all that much more clear. _Go figure._ As Ian toweled off, he thought, _Now what’s a guy to do while he’s waiting for it to get dark out? Logic would dictate that I read a book, browse that dating site, or watch TV. However, the past few days have proved that I am not a logical person at this stage of my life, so I think I’ll feed my obsession with Slade and do some research on him._

“I mean, why the fuck not?” Ian said to his reflection in the foggy bathroom mirror.

 

 

***

 

 

Dressed in a fresh exercise shirt and the same cargo pants, Ian threw himself down on the couch and opened his laptop. He checked the police reports available to the public, read through interviews with the Titans, and poked around forums. The police reports were dull, the interviews interesting but ultimately unhelpful, and the forums full of shit. 

Ian pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. _Useless. Slade remains an enigma. At least it’s nighttime now._ Ian slid his laptop onto the lopsided coffee table in front of him and stood up with a yawn.

“I think I’m becoming nocturnal,” Ian said as he climbed out his window. Once on the roof, he paused and took in the night. The sky  was clear and cloudless, and the needlepoint stars shone bright above Jump City. _Sometimes I really love living here._

Ian was only two buildings away from his apartment when he became aware of a presence behind him. He swallowed roughly and said,

“Another slow night?”

“In a way. But the night has only just begun,” murmured Slade in Ian’s ear.

Ian leapt forwards with a strangled scream. “You--you were much closer to me than I thought. Holy fuck.”

“Forgive me for startling you.” Slade sounded like he was smiling under his mask.

Ian could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, and perhaps that was what caused him to say, “I’ll forgive you if you agree to have a glass of wine with me.”

Ian shivered at Slade’s quiet laugh. “You are quite persistent, aren’t you, Mr. Murphy?”

Throwing all caution to the wind, Ian said, “Well, so are you. You’re up here every night just...just to see me.”

“Just to see you?” Slade purred as he circled in front of Ian. He took Ian’s chin in his hand and gently forced the other man to look up at him. “I believe you overestimate your importance, Mr. Murphy.” 

Ian’s brain had gone into total shutdown. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, because _oh god his hand is on my face and we’re so close together what is happening is this real yes it is oh god oh god._

“Do I overstep my boundaries?” Slade said, his eye never leaving Ian’s. 

Ian lips moved, but no sound came out. “ _No,”_ he mouthed. _“Not at all.”_  

“Good,” Slade said, brushing a finger over Ian’s cheek.

Ian leaned into the touch, savoring the feeling of gloved hands on his bare skin. _If this moment lasted forever, I think I’d be okay with that._ Still, he couldn’t help but wonder: _Why this sudden change in behavior? I suppose I might as well ask..._  

Again, Ian’s lips moved silently. _“But...why?”_

“Why?” said Slade. He laughed, a sound like wind through barren autumn branches. “Because truthfully, Mr. Murphy, you interest me.” He tilted his head forwards until his mask was resting against Ian’s forehead. “Does that frighten you?”

Ian felt a burning thrill course throughout his entire body. _“Yes,”_ he mouthed. _“But I like it.”_

“Hm,” Slade hummed, and Ian felt the sound deep within his bones. _._

“You know,” whispered Ian, “You never said no to that glass of wine.”

“I suppose I didn’t,” said Slade just as quietly. “Tomorrow night, then?”

“Why not tonight?” Ian said coyly.

Slade ran his finger over Ian’s lips. “I still have much to do this evening. Be patient, won’t you?”

Ian closed his eyes and sighed, trying to resist the urge to take Slade’s finger in his mouth. “Tomorrow night,” he breathed. “You promise?”

“I do,” said Slade. “And if your mind is truly set upon this course, you need only leave your window open. I will be there.”

Ian stood with his eyes closed as Slade pulled away from him, and Ian suddenly wished he could accompany the villain as he ran the dark streets of Jump. _If I could be a super for one night, I’d like to spend it with him. But would I be a superhero...or a supervillain?_

By the time Ian opened his eyes, Slade was gone, and the night was just a little bit more lonely.

 

 

***

 

 

Back in his apartment, Ian felt the reality of what had just happened come crashing down on him like a tidal wave. _Oh my fucking god his hands were on my face we were so close together he touched my lips we could have kissed if that damn mask wasn’t in the way would he have let me oh Jesus Christ._ Ian could feel longing burning in the pit of his stomach, and he raked his shaking hands through his hair. Then it hit him, really and truly hit him: _Slade is going to be in my apartment tomorrow night. This is real._  

Ian laughed wildly and spun around in circles, grinning as widely as the Joker. He fell to his knees, still laughing uncontrollably. _I feel so alive._ Gradually, his laughs became hiccuping sobs, and Ian could feel tears running down his face like rain. _Why--why am I crying?_ Ian thought. _Because you know this is a bad idea,_ whispered a nasty little voice inside Ian’s head. _Slade is a_ villain, _a fact which you seem to keep forgetting. Do you really expect this romantic endeavor to end well for you?_

“Oh, shut up,” said Ian as he got to his feet and wiped at his eyes. “Just shut up and let me make bad decisions. Jesus.” He walked over to his kitchen cabinets, opened one at random, and threw the taser inside. _Not like that thing was ever particularly helpful. Just weighed me down._ Ian then headed for bed... _though admittedly, I might have some trouble falling asleep for once._  

Before Ian could get to his room, someone began pounding on his apartment door.

“Old Man Jenkins strikes again,” said Ian, rolling his eyes towards the heavens as he made an about-face to the door. Ian put his eye to the peephole and peered through. As predicted, Ian’s downstairs neighbor was on the other side, his bushy eyebrows furrowed with annoyance.

“Keep it down in there, would ya? _Sensible_ people are trying to sleep!” the old man shouted through the door.

Ian shook his head and called back, “Believe it or not, _I’m_ trying to sleep too, and _your_ assault on my door is keeping me awake.”

Ian’s door vibrated as the man kicked it.

“Hey!” Ian yelled, a surge of anger rushing through him. “Old man, I _will_ fight you!”

“Was that a _threat?_ I ought to call the police on you and all your druggie neighbors!”

“Go right the fuck ahead!” Ian snapped. “Though I highly doubt the cops are gonna find any drugs now that you’ve announced your plan to the entire goddamn hall.”

“Watch your _language,_ ” the man yelled. “And show me some _respect_ , you deviant--”

Ian cut him off by whipping the door open and snarling, “What the _fuck_ did you just call me, old man?”

“A deviant. A _sexual_ deviant, which I believe you are.” The man said it smugly, but there was disgust in his eyes.

Ian felt his blood begin to boil. “What the _hell_ gives you the right to call me that, you piece of sh--”

“What gives _me_ the right?” the old man said, talking over Ian. “What gives _you_ the right, walking around here as though you’re not an abomination, as though you’re _proud_ of being a filthy f--”

Ian slammed the door in the man’s face and screamed. _“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!”_ He fell to the ground, barely managing to lock his door on the way down. A moment later, the door shook in its frame as the old man gave it another kick. Ian covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. After one more kick, Ian heard the man’s footsteps retreating down the hall towards the elevator.

Ian slowly picked himself up off the floor and opened his burning eyes. However, it was not tears with which they burned, but with red-hot rage. Ian had the insane urge to run down the hallway and slam his fist into the old man’s ugly mouth. _How fucking dare that fucker?_ Ian’s mind buzzed with fury. _If I could fucking kill him…_ He had a sudden vision of himself as a copper-scaled dragon, breathing fire and razing the old king’s stinking castle to the ground. _With him in it._

“Oh, that would be nice,” Ian said, not realizing that he spoke out loud. Still lost in his imagination, he wandered over to his bathroom and flicked the lights on. It took his own disheveled reflection in the mirror to snap Ian out of his trance. _Is that really me?_ Ian braced himself on the sink and gazed into his reflection’s brown eyes. _What am I thinking? I can’t kill anyone. That’s ridiculous._ But as he looked deeper into his own eyes, Ian remembered Ji Yu’s words: _“Anyone can kill anyone, Ian...”_  

Ian shook his head. “What is _wrong_ with me?” _It’s Slade,_ whispered that cruel little voice. _He’s in your head...and you’re probably_ happy _about it._  

“Okay, it is _definitely_ time for me to go to bed,” said Ian. “Or they really will have to toss me in Arkham.” _Hell, I’d fit right in: “Doctor, this man has visions of himself as a dragon and wants to kiss known villains.” “Perfect, put him in Harley Quinn’s old cell.”_  

“And never let me out,” muttered Ian as he fell into bed.

 

 

***

 

 

Ian rocketed out of his bed when he heard more pounding on his apartment door.  

“Old man, you are in for it now,” spat Ian as he stormed towards the source of the sound. But when he flung open the door, Ian saw a rather shocked Ji Yu standing there. It was only then that Ian realized that there was daylight streaming into his apartment. Ian blinked in sudden confusion.

“Ian! Hey, are you alright there, buddy?” Ji Yu asked, looking concerned.

“Ji Yu?” Ian said. “I...yeah, I’m...well, I had quite a night. C’mon in and I’ll tell you about it.”

“Great! I brought bagels,” said Ji Yu, holding up a paper bag and giving it a shake. “And you brought gossip!” She waggled her eyebrows at Ian as she walked past him and plopped down on his couch. Ian followed her lead and sat down on the opposite end of the small couch. Ji Yu handed him a bagel and said, “I had a feeling you had a couple of wild nights. So, spill the beans--did you have a drink with Slade yet?”

Ian couldn’t help but smile at Ji Yu’s enthusiasm. He took a bite of his bagel and said, as casually as possible, “Well, we’re actually doing that tonight.”

_“What?”_ Ji Yu shrieked, choking on her own bagel. Ian pounded his friend’s back as she coughed and sputtered. “Are you being _serious_ right now, Ian?”

“Uh, yes.” 

“Oh my _god!_ Tell me _everything._ ” Ji Yu scooted closer to Ian, grinning like mad.

So Ian did. He started with his first face-to-mask encounter, how he had somehow managed to both get a recording of Slade and spook the villain by inviting him over for drinks, and ended with his unpleasant meeting with his downstairs neighbor. And while Ian told Ji Yu about Vanessa’s phone call, he carefully omitted how many times he had listened to his aforementioned recording. 

“Jesus, Ian,” said Ji Yu. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Yeah,” said Ian, looking down at his bagel. He smiled weakly. “What a life, huh?”

Ji Yu viciously bit off a piece of her bagel and said, “So, is it cool if I, y’know, push your neighbor down a flight of stairs? Or do you want to do it yourself?”

Ian chuckled. “We could always do it together.”

“I like the way you think,” Ji Yu said. “I like it a lot. But really, Ian, are you okay? Maybe that’s a stupid question, but...”

Ian looked up at his friend and saw concern etched into her face. He smiled. “Ji Yu, please don’t worry about it. I’m fine, really.”

Ji Yu squinted at him. “Are you sure, man? You’re not lying to make me feel better?”

_Only a little, Ji Yu,_ thought Ian. But what he said was, “Scout’s honor--I’m fine.”

Ji Yu rolled her eyes and snorted. “You were never a Boy Scout.”

“I was too,” said Ian, offended. “I earned badges and everything.”

“Oh, really?” said Ji Yu, raising an eyebrow. “Name one badge you earned, then.”

“Basketry,” Ian said snidely.

_“Basketry?”_ screeched Ji Yu. “Oh my fucking god! You _cannot_ be for real.”

Ian grinned. “Scout’s honor.”

Ji Yu threw her bagel at him.

 

 

 

***

 

 

“Anyway,” said Ji Yu, “I knew Vanessa called you; she told me as much when I finally woke up the day after our date. We don’t really keep secrets from each other.”

“That’s good,” said Ian. “So, you know what we talked about, then?”

“Yeah. How dangerous it is for you to go chasing after Slade, that neither you or me comprehend _how_ dangerous it is, that sort of thing.” Ji Yu sighed. “Depressing stuff.” 

“Look,” said Ian after a moment. “This is gonna sound...kinda weird, but he doesn’t...he doesn’t really seem that bad up close. He’s...scary, to put it lightly, but, well, so’s Batman.”

“But Batman is a _hero,_ Ian. And I doubt the Titans would agree with you about how bad Slade is up close,” Ji Yu said. She brightened suddenly. “But hey, the more you get along with him, the easier it’ll be for you to get that interview.”

“Oh. Right,” said Ian. “The interview.”

“Don’t tell me that you forgot that the whole point of this is to get the interview of your life, Ian,” laughed Ji Yu. “Though, admittedly, I might forget that too if, say, Catwoman had her hands on my face.”

“Ji Yu, you have a girlfriend!” Ian exclaimed.

“A girlfriend who has told me, many times, and I quote, “If you ever have the opportunity to sleep with a super, take it.” It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience, man. And before you ask, Vanessa is encouraged to do the same if _she_ somehow ends up meeting an interested super.”

“Oh,” said Ian. “Well then.”

“Speaking of sleeping with supers…” Ji Yu said with a roguish waggle of her eyebrows, “What _exactly_ do you intend to do when Slade stops by tonight?” 

Ian went crimson as he furiously tried to stutter out a proper answer, but in the end, he could only bury his burning face in his hands. “Ji Yu, I love you, but sometimes you make me want to die.”

“Aww, I love you too, Ian!” said Ji Yu as she hugged the other journalist. “Now let’s get this place tidied up for your date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked on this chapter for way too long and I still don't know if I like how it turned out. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. Chapter 5

Two hours later, Ian’s apartment was the cleanest it had ever been, and Ian had no idea how Ji Yu had done it.

“It was a team effort, Ian,” said Ji Yu as she swung her jacket over her shoulder and headed for the door. “Don’t give me  _ all _ the credit.” She winked. “Just most of it.”

Ian shook his head and smiled. “Whatever you say, Ji Yu. Whatever you say.”

Alone in his apartment once again, Ian had no idea how to bide his time until nightfall.  _ What do people do when they have to wait all day for their date? _

“Because it is a date,” Ian said to his empty apartment. “At least, I think it is.”

After a (remarkably quick) shower, Ian had decided what to do with his precious hours of daylight. First, a trip to the store. He needed fruit, or vegetables-- _ something _ with health benefits, anyway.  _ I can feel the scurvy coming on, _ Ian had thought as he towelled off. 

Second, a walk through the park to relax. Nature therapy, or whatever they called it. Ian just hoped the weather would hold. The forecast had said there was a 50% chance of rain that day, one of those late summer storms that were beautiful in the moment, but made the humidity hellish after the fact.

Now dressed in fitted jeans and t-shirt, Ian grabbed a canvas tote bag and his car keys and headed out. The sky was overcast, but the clouds did not seem particularly foreboding.  _ That’s a good sign, _ Ian thought as he drove.  _ Or at least a decent one. _

Having arrived at the grocery story, Ian walked the aisles with trepidation. Journalism may have been his passion, but the  _ Jump City Uncensored _ did not exactly pay well. Ian sighed as he eyed the price of kiwi and seasonal blood oranges. 

_ Ah, fuck it. _ Ian grabbed a bag of oranges and dropped it into his tote.  _ I need citrus. _

  
  
  


***

  
  


Eventually, Ian made it through the store and to the checkout lanes, his tote bag filled with “adult” food. Or rather, adult  _ ingredients _ he could make into passable meals. There was a lot of pasta. With a smile that was more like a wince, Ian handed his credit card over to the cashier. _ He’s kinda cute, _ Ian thought, then fumbled with his wallet as the cashier smiled back at him.  _ And I’m...me. _

But walking out of the store, Ian felt his mood brighten. The weather was still pleasant, he had proper food at last, and he had an interesting (to say the least) night ahead of him.  _ Can’t ask for much else...other than a couple million dollars, that is. _

Ian listened to the radio on his drive back to the apartment building, tuning into a few pop songs, the end of the news, and the weather. The chance of storms had risen to 70% after nine p.m., and Ian winced.  _ Guess I better put some towels on the table for my...guest? Date? _ “The guy that’s gonna be climbing into my home via my window,” Ian decided.

Once he had gotten back to his apartment and put away his groceries, Ian headed back out, this time on foot. It was time for a nice stroll through one of Jump’s many parks. Ian followed the sidewalks to the one nearest his apartment building, wishing he had taken his sunglasses along with him. The sun was spotty, but bright, and the park hummed with activity.  _ Hope I see some dogs, _ Ian thought as he walked.  _ Or that lady who walks her ferret here. I’d pet a ferret...maybe. _

When his feet began to get sore (and after he had pet three dogs), Ian made his way out of the park and towards his building. Halfway there, Ian began to feel nervous.  _ Is tonight really a good idea? I mean, of course it’s not, but is it really as terrible an idea as Vanessa thinks it is? Wait, has Ji Yu even told her that I’m doing this? Or is she waiting until after the fact? _ Ian plopped down on the curb, mind racing.  _ How can I be so stupid? Inviting a villain over, what the  _ fuck _ was I thinking? I guess I could just not leave the window open; it’s not like he actually cares enough to break in, I’m sure… _

Ian was snapped out of his thoughts by the brash  _ honk _ of a passing car’s horn. He looked around, but saw nothing the driver could have been honking  _ at. _ Ian heaved a sigh.  _ Whatever. I have to get home. _ Ian had only taken a few steps when realization hit him.  _ That driver...that was Old Man Jenkins.The bastard was honking at  _ me.

“Fuck,” Ian muttered. “We got trouble in River City.”

  
  
  
  


***

 

 

On the way up to his floor, Ian had snagged a complaint form off of the front desk; he was sick of his downstairs neighbor and, quite frankly, had the sneaking suspicion that the other residents were too. The old man was loud, irate, nosy, and homophobic. Anyone living in an apartment building hated people who were the first three, and Ian was sure that a good amount of folks these days were tired of homophobes, too.

_ “I _ certainly am,” Ian huffed as he unlocked his door. He tossed the form on his counter and went about making himself some lunch--or maybe dinner, seeing as it was half past three.  _ But linner is a thing, right? _ Ian thought as he poured penne noodles into a bot of boiling water.  _ Just like brunch, but for lazy gays. Linner. _

As the pasta cooked, Ian considered sauce. He’d bought both tomato and alfredo, but was tempted to just use butter. Childish, though tasty.  _ But if I use alfredo sauce, I can add broccoli and finally get some vegetables in me.  _ Alfredo it was.  _ Should have bought chicken, then I’d really get the Fine Dining Experience, _ Ian thought while chopping broccoli. He finished just as the penne was done simmering. Ian drained the pot, then added the alfredo and broccoli. After some aggressive stirring, his meal was complete. 

Ian sat down on his couch and turned on the TV just in time for the four o’clock news on channel four. There had been an attempted bank robbery in the early morning, which the Titans had swiftly put a stop to. A few injuries, some property damage, but no deaths or lasting damage. Good. A fluff piece about a white cat that rolled in sidewalk chalk. Cute. Ian ignored the rest and focused on his food; he wasn’t a  _ bad _ cook, per say, but the pasta was a bit chewy, and he probably should have steamed the broccoli.  _ Still tastes good, though. _

He turned the TV off half an hour later, did the dishes, put the leftovers away, pushed his negative thoughts down, brushed his teeth, and did some proofreading for his coworkers. One poor woman, Jen, had tried to interview Raven about her fashion style. The resulting piece was...rough, not that it was really Jen’s fault. Raven just wasn’t a good interview subject for that sort of thing.  _ Someone ought to ask Beast Boy about his Hawaiian shirt collection, though, _ Ian thought, making a note of it.

On to the next article...about Robin’s training regimen.  _ Really, again? We already know he learned everything from Batman and that he works out every day. _ Ian sighed and made some suggestions in the margins. He was tempted to write, “just throw the whole story out,” but that was A) not his job, and B) too mean.  _ Sometimes I wish I could be mean. _

The desire to shatter plates and punch an old man. Gloved hands on his face. Heart beating loud, torn and bloody palms throbbing in time.  _ Anyone can kill anyone, Ian. _

This time, it was the rumble of thunder that roused Ian from his trance. “Storm came early,” he said when he saw the time: seven thirty p.m. A flash of lightning made Ian jump; he slammed his laptop shut and unplugged it from its cord in case of a power surge. “I’ll just go on my phone,” Ian said with a shaky laugh. “But first…”

Picking up his potted cactus on the way, Ian walked over to his window and opened it a crack. When the wind did not blow a sheet of rain into Ian’s face, he stuck his arm through the opening and let the cactus get some water.  _ Drink up, it’s fresh from the sky. _ After fifteen seconds or so, Ian withdrew his now-wet arm and placed his cactus back on the table.

“God, I hope I didn’t overwater it,” Ian said while drying his arm with a ratty dish towel.  _ Oh, yeah, towels...I should get those now, huh? Before I forget again. _ Off to the miniscule linen closet Ian went, grabbing every spare bath towel he owned before returning to the table nearest the window. He arranged them in a few short stacks, just so that there would be no danger of a leaning-tower-of-pisa-situation. There were now only two things left to do in order for Ian to be ready for Slade’s...visit. 

First, the bottle of wine. Ian doubted Slade would drink any of it, but that just meant that there would be more for him. Ian set the bottle on the coffee table, along with two of his four wine glasses. 

Second, and more embarrassing, the candles. Ian hadn’t been able to imagine seeing the villain in view of full fluorescent lights, and his collection of unscented candles was to be the solution to that rather strange problem. At least the storm outside could help make the candles look less out-of-place.  _ That, and the whole “mood lighting” thing. That’s really what this is, isn’t it? _

“Get out of my head, Ji Yu,” Ian chuckled. He went about setting up his candles--six in all--on the coffee table, making sure there were spaced evenly apart.  _ You know, for optimal distribution of-- _

With a pop, all the lights in Ian’s apartment went out. Judging by the screams, the entire building had lost power; Ian had to rein in a shriek himself. He did, however, hear someone across the hall yell  _ “Christ _ on a  _ bike,” _ and Ian hoped Old Man Jenkins had heard them, too. 

“Well, now these candles really  _ are _ appropriate,” Ian said, striking a match. A minute later, Ian’s apartment was aglow with warm orange light. Combined with the drum of rain on the windows, it was... _ perfect, _ thought Ian.  _ For once, I’m glad this building doesn’t have a generator. _

And with that, the only thing Ian could do was wait for Slade to arrive. He nestled himself into a corner of his couch, glancing at the window to make sure it was still cracked open from the cactus-watering. When Ian saw that it was, he relaxed. It was all up to Slade now and, whether he showed or not, Ian was ready.

But the soft candlelight was making him drowsy. Ian yawned and shook his head in a futile attempt to stay awake.  _ I guess...Slade will have...to wake me...up… _

Ian fell into a deep sleep.

  
  


***

  
  
  


Ian awoke to the sound of his window creaking shut. When Ian looked to the source of the noise, he froze, eyes widening in horror. 

Slade stood slumped against Ian’s window, dripping wet and shaking. The candles made the wide slick of blood down the villain’s side seem all the darker. Slade was clutching one hand to the wound, the other to his mask.

_ “Hello...Mr. Murphy,” _ Slade panted before falling to his knees. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't abandon this one either ;)
> 
> A short slice-of-life chapter. I've never tried to write anything so pleasant before, but it was needed to move the plot along.
> 
> Chapter 6 won't take me another year to post...I hope.
> 
> (also the "christ on a bike" line is something my irl friend likes to say. thank you for all your support, man <3 )


End file.
